Changes the first year
“It was a very good year” is the lyric of an old standard made popular by the late Frank Sinatra. The phrase reflects what you and your partner can expect of marriage the first year. Indeed, research suggests that newly married child-free couples are among the happiest people in our society. However, there are changes the first year of marriage.
Love
The romantic love of courtship is sometimes all-consuming -you think constantly about your partner and feel driven to be with him or her. You sparkle with feelings of joy in anticipation of being together. In marriage you will still enjoy being with your partner and the feelings of love will still be there.
But time, even a few months, will mellow these feelings. Most couples say that their love feelings of courtship become softer, smoother, and more comfortable after marriage. “I love him more than I did before we were married,” said Nora, a wife of four months. “But I don’t feel the compulsion to be with him every minute like I did. He can be watching TV and I can be reading in another room and I still feel close to him. While the love is less exciting -it feels deeper and more comfortable.”
Sex
Like love, sex will also undergo some changes during your first year. Frequency declines for most married couples but the quality improves. When compared with singles, marrieds report the best sex- both emotionally and physically.
In-Laws
Most couples report an improved relationship with their in-laws the first year of marriage. For one thing, acceptance increases on the part of the in-laws. One new husband recalled, “My in-laws were always skeptical of me- like they thought I was a playboy and really didn’t care about Margie. But since the marriage, I think they trust me more. We also feel more comfortable around both sets of parents. We lived together before we were married and always felt a little guilty around them because we were deceiving them. But those feelings go once you get married.”
Other in-law relationships get worse after marriage. Some in-laws never accept the person their child marries. “Mom wouldn’t accept anybody I married because she knew it meant I would leave home,” said one wife. “Since Dad died, Mom and I have had a close relationship and she can’t give me up- she blames Bill for taking me away from her. I felt caught in the middle but have decided it’s her problem if she can’t accept my husband.”
Even negative in-law relationships such as this can improve with time. Grandchildren make the difference. Since the in-laws want access to their grandchildren, it no longer becomes expedient to keep the distant feelings intact. So while most in-law relationships improve the first year, even those that become stressful may improve if and when the couple decides to have a baby.
Ensuring a good year
While love feelings and the excitement of being married will buoy your relationship the first few months, you can help to ensure a good year by keeping communication channels open, making compromises, and avoiding career entanglements.
1. Keep Communication Channels Open
One of the most frequent problems couples bring to marriage counseling is “We don’t communicate.” While they agree that they could “Talk with each other about anything” before they got married, they seem puzzled as to “what happened.”
In general, what happens is that one or both spouses begin to stop telling the other about feelings and preferences. One woman said that she did not want to tell her husband how she really felt about his table manners because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But her silence spread to other areas including her feelings about his spending habits (“He’d buy anything he saw”) and alcohol (“He kept drinking more”).
You and your spouse can avoid this pattern by continuing to keep your feelings, thoughts, and preferences up front. While such disclosure does not mean that you share everything inside you (most spouses don’t), it does mean that when your partner does something that you do not like, you should tell him or her. You might also ask him or her about things you do that he or she doesn’t like so that you can avoid doing things that create negative feelings. .
It isn’t always easy to discuss behaviors which are upsetting to the other. But it keeps your relationship from drifting into a state where you avoid each other because of the negative behavior that you haven’t talked about.
Just as you may tell your partner when something is wrong, it is equally important to express your positive feelings. The affectionate phrases and embraces of courtship will be just as important in marriage. “I love you,” “I feel great when I’m with you,” and “You make me happy” feel good to say and to hear.
2. Negotiate Resolutions to Conflict
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. The probability that you and your partner will agree about everything during your marriage is zero. But conflict isn’t bad. It means that the partners are expressing their thoughts and preferences -that their feelings are out in the open. More serious problems result when the partners do not talk about their dissatisfaction and their feelings have gone underground.
Negotiating a compromise is the answer to conflict. You won’t get everything your way and neither will your partner. Each must give some ground for both to win. Examples of conflict which couples reported during their first year include the following:
Conflict: She wanted a carat diamond for her engagement ring; he thought it was silly to spend this so much money for a “rock.”
Result: They bought half the diamond she wanted and put the other half on a down payment a car.
Conflict: He wanted to ski in Vermont on their honeymoon; she wanted to go the Bahamas.
Result: They went to Disney World
Conflict: He wanted to buy Carnation Instant Breakfast because he liked its taste; she wanted to buy cereal because it would save them money.
Result: They bought both and alternate what they have for breakfast each morning.
Conflict: He wanted her to get a job and put him through school; she wanted him to get a job and put her through school.
Result: They decided to each work part-time and go to school part-time.
Conflict: She wanted a baby; he didn’t (he had two children from a previous marriage).
Result: He agreed to have a baby in exchange for her agreeing to wait two years to have a child.
3. Avoid career entanglements
In addition to keeping communication channels open and compromising as necessary, it will be important to avoid becoming entangled in a career to the point that it chokes your marriage. During courtship, it is easy to avoid such entanglements. Each partner regards the relationship as primary, and nothing else (parents, friends, school, career, etc.) is allowed to interfere.
After marriage, other interests will increase in importance, but the relationship must remain primary. Giving your relationship priority over a career won’t be easy. Your employer will judge, pay, and promote you on the basis of the work you do. Such performance will require your time and energy. And since you don’t have unlimited amounts of either, you will need to pace yourself so that there is enough time left for your spouse.
Such pacing does not imply that, at times, both you and your partner will agree that career demands should take precedence. Studying for an exam, writing a report, preparing for a conference are all part of career demands that must be satisfied. Time must be allocated for these.
Likewise, you must allocate time for each other. Just as in courtship you had dinner at a restaurant, saw a movie/play, and “fooled around” you must also ensure that time for the two of you occurs on a regular basis.
Keeping communication channels open, making compromises, and avoiding career entanglements are things you can do to start your marriage off on the right foot. You might also watch the number of changes you make your first year. Getting married and moving to an apartment while each partner continues to go to school are simple changes compared with those Bob and Louise experienced. They moved to another city, bought a house, Louise wrote her dissertation for her Ph.D., Bob changed careers and enrolled in medical school, and Louise became pregnant.
In summary, as one of the almost 2 million couples who will marry this year, you are about to begin a very exciting, loving adventure. And while both you and your relationship will change, sharing your life with someone you love will make the transition a challenge.
